A friend of mine just got dumped by his girlfriend, so there seems to be something in the water. We both started dating our respective ex's at around the same time, so we sort of bonded on our mutual pursuit of our respective relationships. He, like me, is a quintessential nice guy (not the feminist Nice Guy, which is the subject of another post) who taught himself to be more assertive with women, but also was willing to open himself up and be emotionally vulnerable in the hopes of building something more.
So his heart got smashed, right around the same time mine did. Our bi-weekly dating debriefing sessions turned from navigating the waters of a new relationship to navigating the rapid waters of heartbreak. My ex dumped me as an attempt to distance herself emotionally and physically from me. His ex dumped him, apparently, because the relationship "bored" her. I asked him about what led to the break-up. He told me that while he was gone on a trip home, she told him that she didn't feel like she "missed" him. While I was more accepting of getting dumped, he fought for her and asked her for an explanation and tried to get her to reconsider. When pressed, she came up with a number of platitudes: "It's not you, it's me." "I'm just not ready to settle down, I guess." "I don't know what's wrong, you're great." At the end of the day, she just wasn't feeling "it". But what is "it" exactly?
Sometimes navigating the post-breakup waters is like investigating a crime scene. You look for clues as to what happened and why, and while you often can't resurrect the relationship, you can clue yourself into the possible pathological proclivities of you and your partner.
I asked my friend what her former relationships looked like. He told me that before she met him, she would often date guys who didn't treat her that well and would eventually dump her early on in the relationship - around the 5 or so month mark. I venture a guess (though obviously I'm just guessing) that these relationships were probably fraught with guessing and second guessing: the relationship dance where one party yearns for a deeper intimacy while the other party pulls away, and the cycle repeats.
A real tragedy about these kinds of relationships is that this emotional roller coaster is often mistaken for "chemistry" or "love" or "excitement" and people equate dysfunction with love. You get addicted to the emotional highs of it, but are absolutely demolished by the emotional lows. And, even worse, this kind of thing can persist for years because, as one of my favorite blogs says, "insecure people lack an understanding of what distinguishes good and bad relationships, and they don't actually realize there is anything wrong with their or their partners' behaviors."
What does a "healthy" relationship look like, really? According to Levine and Heller, authors of the fabulous book "Attached", pretty damn boring. What is it like dating a "secure" person? "For starters, they don't engage in the 'relationship dance' that therapists often refer to - whereby one partner gets closer while the other steps back in order to maintain a certain distance in the relationship at all times. Instead there's a feeling of growing closeness and intimacy. Second, they are able to sensitively and empathically - and most important, coherently - discuss emotions with you. Last, the secure party engulfs his or her partner in an emotionally protective shield that makes facing the outside world an easier task."
I was having dinner with a colleague of mine and her husband and we talked about our relationships, their current one and my former one. And, yes, life in a secure relationship is pretty boring. We're there for each other. We do things together. There are no roller coaster highs and lows. No epic fights. Yeah, there is conflict, but when conflict arises, we reach a mutual resolution that brings us closer together.
I don't know my friend's ex and why she broke up with him. But I do know that she said when they first started dating that he was everything she thought she wanted in a man: there for her, emotionally and physically. Kind, put-together, generous, and giving. And maybe she wasn't ready for that and needs to go through a few more trials and tribulations to realize that there's nothing wrong with just being boringly happy. You can't live your life on the edge of your seat forever, and the potential of a low-drama relationship offers us so much more in the long run. Coming to realize this is a big part of maturing and being able to enter a relationship that makes us truly happy.
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