In the weeks subsequent to my being dumped, I kept entertaining a recurring fantasy: that Hannah would come back, and that she would confess to me in tears that dumping me was the worst decision she'd ever made. That she was wrong to give up a good guy like me so easily, and that she would regret that decision. At the end of the conversation, I would turn her down, saying that I had moved on but that I wished her the best.
I told my therapist (who've I've been seeing sporadically for the last couple years) about this fantasy and we probed a bit deeper. He said that this kind of fantasy is actually a soft revenge fantasy, sourced in vindictiveness and anger. And that anger that we feel as spurned lovers is a mask for a deeper emotion: disappointment.
But where did this disappointment and anger come from? While it is, of course, always a sad thing when a relationship end, why do some people handle it so much differently than others? Why are some people bitter and vindictive, while others wistful, but appreciative?
This is where the concept of doing things as a means to an end as opposed to dating as an end in and of itself comes in. This applies not just to dating, but how we handle all the things we do in life. And this slight difference in view point makes all the world of difference in how we perceive things, especially when things go awry.
Seeing what we do as a means to an end means that we view our actions with an outcome in mind. We go to school to get a degree. We get the degree so we can get a job. We work at our job so we can get money. We use our money to buy stuff.
On the other hand, seeing things as an end in and of itself means that we do things for the value we get out of doing them, independent of outcome. We go to school because we love learning. We work at our job because we enjoy what we do and it gives us great personal satisfaction.
Apply this concept to dating. If we were dating as a means to an end, what would that mean? Well, think about our goals. Assuming that most men want sex, then dating would be a means of getting laid (of course, this is not always the case, but often the case). And assuming that most women want commitment/marriage, then dating would be a means to achieving that. And when a relationship ends without either sex or marriage, what do we hear from the spurned? Anger. Vindictiveness. A sense of betrayal. "What a waste of time that relationship was." "I wasted X years/months of my life for what? For nothing!"
Now look at it from the other perspective: dating as an end of itself. Given this outlook, why do we date the people we date? Because we are attracted to them, enjoy their company, and enjoy the shared intimacy and emotional connection with that person. Does this mean we're not sad when relationships end? Absolutely not. A romantic partnership ending, like I said, is always a sad and disappointing affair. But that added layer of anger, bitterness, and betrayal doesn't need to be there.
When I look back at my long term relationship, I have nothing but fond memories of my time with her. When I entered that relationship, we were two teenagers in college and we didn't know what we were signing up for and what was going to happen. A long lasting and loving relationship blossomed without the weight of undue expectation. And it was a very sad thing when it ended, but both of us can look back on our relationship like the end of a good novel: satisfied that we read it, but with twinge of sadness and regret that a great story is over.
With me an Hannah on the other hand, I realize now that I was dating her with an end in mind. I had been single for so long, and had been so long without the intimacy and security of a relationship, that I built an expectation within myself that she would become my girlfriend. When she did, I was very happy, but when our brief relationship ended, I felt betrayed, disappointed, and angry. The contract that I had written within myself was that if I could be kind enough to her, if I could be good enough in bed, if I could be a good enough boyfriend, then she would be my girlfriend.
When she decided to spontaneously exit our relationship, I felt as though my internal contract had been violated. So instead of just dealing with the feelings of disappointment, sadness, and yearning that are natural with the heart-break process, I added an extra layer of betrayal, anger, and vindictiveness on top of it. I felt as though I did my part: I was a good boyfriend, a great lover, and emotionally available. I felt as though she didn't uphold her end of the bargain: to be my girlfriend and accept me as I was.
What I realize now is that not only did she not see our relationship the same way, but that she really did not owe me anything. In her final emails to me, she told me how great of a time she had in our brief time together, and wished me luck. I'm sure she'll remember me as the right man at the wrong time. And now it's up to me to take that contract and rip it up. Time to appreciate what I had, realize that we as human beings in relationships don't owe each other anything but ourselves in the moment, and recognize the moments I shared with Hannah that were beautiful, if brief.
In dating, it behooves us to apply this concept of doing things as an end itself. Why should we approach that girl? Not because we want to get laid, but because we are attracted to her and want to know more about her. Why should we go out with someone? Because we want to get to know them better and spend time together. Why should someone become our significant other? Not for marriage, but for partnership.
So, with that contract dissolved, I can look back and appreciate my relationship with Hannah, even if it was cut so tragically short. If I'm sad it's because I miss being with a sexy, smart, kind, and fun girl. If I'm disappointed, it's because we were going to have a great time together. But, at the end, my brief relationship with her was good for my soul. I know it, and am thankful for it.
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