I just finished watching HBO's "Girls" on HBOGo. It's a funny little show, nothing spectacular, or even original really. It's essentially an indie version of Sex and the City with younger, poorer girls and without the expensive shoes. The girls in both shows are generally well meaning but emotionally stunted. Sex and the City concluded with all the main characters completing their meandering journey to love, despite their endearing personal quirks. No real substantial character growth happened - even if the main characters ended up with the love of their lives, it was more a story of the triumph of the serendipity of love rather than a story of personal improvement. Whether "Girls" suffers the same fate remains to be seen.
One disconcerting thing about "Girls" though, and a lot of media geared towards women, is a sort of dichotomous and, frankly, stereotypical view of men. Guys in "Girls" are either stereotypically emotionally distant jerks or wimpy non-aggressive nice guys. There's very little gray area. Now I understand that sitcoms and other shows use stereotypical tropes for comedic effect, and "Girls" would hardly be a first. But I also think that it's lazy and potentially destructive, because it feeds into a stereotype about the world that many believe is true.
That's correct: I've mentioned this somewhat minor criticism of the show to some of my female friends, and I've been alarmed to the extent to which many of them think that this is true; that the world really is divided into either wimpy nice guys or emotionally distant assholes. The entire world, no gray area. How many billion men on the planet? Two categories. When I challenge them on this, most often by asking them where I, personally, stand, I've been told either one of two things. The nice ones will either say "well you're the rare exception." The meaner ones (and really, calling her a "friend" is admittedly a stretch) tells me outright that I fall into the category of "wimpy nice guy".
Sure, I'm nice. I also believe in being there for my partner. And maybe I'm a little anxious too. But I also will ask you out on a date when I think you're cute. I'll will push you up against the wall and make out with you if passion takes me. I would hardly say that's "wimpy". I say this not to be defensive, as I'm sure I've gone out with many women who found me "too nice" or "too wimpy". But, that's fine. I am who I am, and the point is, when we look deeper, people all of a sudden become harder to categorize.
One thing about being a researcher and a social scientist you learn is that the "truth" or the "true nature" of the world rarely ever conforms to an absolutist black and white version of events. Why things happen and why we observe certain events in the world can be approximated, but often, even when things are statically significant, they can only explain a fraction of the variance. If that's all statistical mumbo-jumbo to you, suffice to say that even when we're certain a particular variable has an influence on an outcome, it never, ever explains the whole story.
That being said, a trend that I see a lot is that we adopt a certain, and very binary world view: that men are either "wimps" or "assholes, or that women are either "crazy" or "boring," and lo and behold, the world we choose to live in conforms to our expectations. There's an idea in dating that often we attract what we expect, principally because in dating it takes two to tango. A guy who thinks all women are bitches and behaves as such will not attract a woman who is genuine and caring. Why? Because any genuine and caring woman would invariably be turned off by dating a guy with messed up misogynistic believes. The sorting process will play out. Invariably, the only woman willing to date someone with those beliefs is someone who holds those beliefs herself, even if subconsciously.
The flip side are women who believe that men play games and therefore play games themselves. Maybe they wait to call, maybe they play hard to get. The deeply ironic thing is that, by doing this, they're actually filtering out men who don't play games and who aren't emotionally distant. In that way, we get what we expect.
Think of, then, the expectation that men are either wimpy nice guys or emotionally distant assholes. If that's the case, then you either have to choose between a wimpy nice guy, or an emotionally distant asshole, and the women who believe this usually choose the latter (because they "aren't attracted to" wimps). But by dividing the world is such a black and white dichotomous way, they're missing out on all the good in the gray. It is not surprising to me that my friends who do have this dichotomous view of the world end up in relationships that are marred by the "relationship dance" where one partner chases emotional validation and the other shuts them out. The real sad thing is, it doesn't need to be this way. People mistake this dance as chemistry or love, but it's actually just acute emotional dysfunction.
You can meet someone who is confident, but emotionally intelligent and giving. It isn't a rarity, we are out there. You just have to look within yourself, ask yourself whether you're willing to write that guy off as either "too good to be true" or "too boring", or whether you're willing to give him a chance.
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