Welcome to the Jungle

I've landed in Bangkok, and I'm sitting in a Starbucks writing a blog post.  I guess even thousands of miles from home, some things don't change.

I always feel a little strange when I come to Thailand.  I technically hold a Thai passport in addition to my US passport and am a dual citizen.  I spent 5 years of my youth in this country (ages 9-14), formative years for sure.  I'd like to say they were all positive, but they weren't.  I moved to Thailand too Americanized, and spent my awkward adolescent years learning a language I was only loosely familiar with, in a place I where I was neither foreign nor native.  I did pick up the language eventually, but being kicked around from Thai public schools (where I would routinely fail exams because I read and wrote at a preschool level) to elitist private international schools (where I was bullied for being skinny, ugly, and out of place) took a toll on my psyche.  I like to say I left with a trunk load of baggage: some of it good, some of it bad.  

It's because of these experiences, as well as my American accented Thai, that I always feel halfway out of place in my second country.  I love coming here, and I could see myself living here one day, but I think I'll always be perpetually half a foreigner, half a native. 

Anyways, here are some general observations I have about Bangkok; stuff that I notice immediately upon landing and getting out into the world.

- Thailand is known as the Land of Smiles, there's a reason for this.  The people are generally absurdly nice, but I think what's more the case is that Thailand is a service oriented country.  I'm struck by how absurdly helpful and polite service people are here.  Every interaction is absurdly deferential, as if you're doing them a favor just by existing there.  And they love foreigners and will go out of their way to make you feel at home.  For a culture that doesn't tip, it's kind of an amazing thing.

- The women in Thailand are absurdly beautiful.  If you like skinny Asian girls in heels, Bangkok is the place for you.  My friend and I joked that you could apply a "stones throw" method of gauging how beautiful the women are in Thailand.  That is, if you threw a rock into a crowd of people, there is a positive chance that you'd hit someone you'd probably sleep with without much of a second thought. 

- That being said, the women here (and the men, to a lesser extent) are afflicted a "Western standard of beauty".  Thai people are naturally darker skinned than their other Asian counterparts (Chinese, Korean, etc.).  For whatever reason, one of the standards of beauty here is lighter skin.  This is such a ingrained norm that women walk around with umbrellas in broad daylight, darker skinned women power themselves to the point where they look literally clownish, and dermatology is a big business here.  All the big movie stars are either light skinned Thais or half-white.  

- Thais have no qualms about saying things to you that would be considered extremely rude in other cultures.  This includes: calling you out for being tan, and calling you out for being fat.  I don't consider myself fat by any stretch of the imagination, but last year when I came maybe a few pounds over weight.  I got tired of the amount of crap I got about it, not just from family, but from casual acquaintances.  I guess that's why everybody's skinny here: unrelenting Asian weight shame.  If you think the weight shame in America is bad, you really haven't seen anything until you've been to Asia.

- It is really very very hard to pick up girls at bars and clubs in Thailand.  Why?  Because everything is table service.  Even in the clubs.  All table service.  And, not only that, but Thais generally go out in huge groups - like groups of 15 or more.  Combine all these things and it's generally pretty difficult to pick up strangers in Thailand.  From what I know, people usually meet each other through social circles  or are set up.  Online dating is mostly Thai girls looking for white guys.

- Thai people walk fucking slow.  I just had to say it.  Walking around here makes me want to scream.

- They also don't sweat.  I don't understand how this is possible.

- When I tell people in America I'm coming to Thailand, the response is usually "watch out for the lady boys".  It's a little irritating, but Thai transsexuals do have a reputation of being the best looking trannies in the world.  This is generally accurate.  I'm definitely seen and talked to some before and if you didn't talk to them, you'd think, wow, that's a hot girl.  But then you start talking to them and something is just... off.  Their voices are just a little deep, they're just a little too tall, their hands a little too big.  In any case, ladyboys hang out in very specific locations, as well as hookers.  If you don't go to the red light district or into massage parlors, you wont run into any, plain and simple.

Anyways, that's what I have for you all for now.  But, look for some cool Thailand related blog posts in the future.  This includes

- An interview with a Thai hooker and my experiences as a red light district spy.  This one will be fun to tell.

- The story of the worst date ever (it took place in Thailand).

Brief Update

Hello there to my (minuscule) readership!

I know I haven't written in over a week - it has been my goal to have at least one blog post/essay a week, but I've been busy preparing to make my big trip out to Southeast Asia for the month, so finding the time to pen a blog post has been difficult.  I'm leaving tomorrow (August the 29th) for a full month in the jungle.

I realize that most of this blog has been about dating, relationships, and sexual politics.  There are topics that I'm very much interested in, both as a veteran dater and bachelor, and, honestly, it's where a lot of my extracurricular passion for writing is derived from nowadays.  My one blog post on travel was written off the cuff, and looking back at it, it's a little lazy, and easily the weakest of my blog posts.  That being said, I'd love to develop my travel writing, especially since I'll be traveling for the next month, so look for more blog posts on my adventures abroad while I try to feel my way through developing this particular skill.

That being said, I have a ton of ideas for blog posts about all of the above.  This includes

- What it's like to move in and out of a new country (my personal story)
- A book review of "Attached".  Honestly, one of the most important books about relationships I've ever read.
- The story of my non-physical love affair with a married woman.  That one is a wowzer.
- My thoughts on sexual politics and the "commodity model" of sex.
- Whatever adventures I end up getting into while in Thailand (romantic or otherwise)

and more!  So stay tuned...

The Great Beyond

So it's been about a month since Hannah and I split, and I think I'm mostly over it.  I'd say maybe about 85% over it.  Seeing pictures of us together and driving by places where we went out doesn't make me feel that stabbing sensation in my chest anymore, and I realize now that she likely wasn't the right girl for me.  It's pretty typical to idealize a relationship right after you've broken up, but now that the dust of heartbreak has settled, I can look back and see that while she is a sweet girl, she just didn't really want to accommodate my relationship needs at all.  I'm not a very demanding guy, but I do have wants and needs, and I don't see relationships as a "zero-sum" game where one person getting their needs met means the other person needs to sacrifice their needs.  I think that Hannah saw our relationship dynamic that way, and reacted accordingly.

In any case, I know I'm better because I'm certainly thinking about her much less, and talking about her much less too.  The cold turkey thing is stunningly effective - I had her worked out of my system in more or less three weeks.  For the first three weeks, I kept on expecting or hoping that she'd be in touch; that she would send me a longing text, email, or show up at my door to tell me that she missed me.  That never happened, and, over time, that want faded away.  While there are still remnants there, and while I still miss her, I think I just miss being close to someone.  That's perfectly normal.

The question now is, what next?  There are generally two strategies to get over a breaking up.

1) "The only way to get over someone is to get under someone else."  AKA, the Rebound strategy.

2) "Take a break and rediscover who you are."  AKA, the Eat Pray Love strategy.

I'm sure both of these strategies are equally effective for different people, but for my part, I spent the better part of the last week doing the Rebound strategy.  Part of it is that a lot of men sort of adhere by that strategy and several of my guy friends were intent on getting me "back out there" to get my groove back.

Honestly, the results have been somewhat mixed.  Last Wednesday I went to a speed dating thing, which was an utter waste of my time and money.  I'd like to write a hilarious and funny story about it here, but there's not much to say other than it kinda sucked.  I'm really not sure how you can connect with someone based on five minutes of small talk, but I didn't feel it from a single woman there.  I think I checked no on all but maybe two of the ladies, and they must not have been feeling it too, because they did the same.  I left the speed dating event feeling down because I was reminded as to how much trial and error you have to go through to meet someone you really connect with.  I had a mini-heartbreak resurgence, and was tempted to give Hannah a call, but it quelled before I could do anything stupid.

The next day I went to a Cocktails for Choice fundraiser for planned parenthood thing (solo, no less) and decided to just wing it.  I was going to talk to people and not care about numbers or outcomes.   The ratio was absurdly favorable - 3:1 female to male, and all around the 20's to 30's age range.  And I actually did get a couple numbers out of there (though none I really care to call, for other reasons) and had an overall good time.  But I didn't really "feel it" with any of the ladies I talked too.  I don't know whether I was blocking myself or whether it was a legitimate lack of flirtatious energy.  It was a little exhilarating to go out solo and without a wing man and to just be brave.  It's nice to know that, at least when it comes to that, I'm still perfectly capable of overcoming my fear of introducing myself and talking to attractive women I don't know.

Finally, I went to a singles event with my good friend and mentor Jonathan, who functions very well as my go to wing man when I'm single.  Jonathan is single in his early 40's and is "unique" in that he actually likes women his own age, so we don't usually target the same demographic.  He has the wisdom of a man who's been single and in relationships all of his life - like a grizzled veteran who's seen all the moves, he can tell me exactly what's going on in certain situations and can talk me down from my neuroses.  We go to a lot of mixed age single events together where he talks to older ladies and I talk to younger ones, unless I happen to catch the eye of a cougar.

This event was some sort of absurd "Zodiac sign" event where people put their sign on their name tags and broke off into "compatible" groups.  I actually think astrology is a load of bunk, but hey, I can play along, especially since it seems as though so many women (even smart, scientific, logical thinking ones) really believe the stuff.

In any case, the event kinda sucked.  A lot of the guys there seemed to be really weird, and this scared away like 50% of the ladies before I could even talk to any of them.  I was about to cash in my chips for the night until Jason and I started to talk to these two nurses who were among the last women there. And, all of a sudden, it was totally on with me and one of the nurses.  I felt "it".  We were flirting.  Exchanging looks.  Touching.  Some guy came and tried to butt in, but she kept on looking my way.  I could tell that she wanted to keep talking to me.  She was a little older than me, but totally cute... maybe a bit cougarish, but what do I care?  Maybe she could've been a nice send off before my Southeast Asia trip...

But I froze.  I didn't ask for her number.  I don't know why.  It was right there, right in front of me, hanging slider right at the heart of the plate, and I let it fly by for a strike.

Afterwards, Jonathan asked me what I was thinking, and I didn't have any good answers.  I was definitely attracted to her.  But you know what, maybe it is too soon.  Maybe I'm just not suited for strategy no. 1.  My big trip to Southeast Asia is coming up, so maybe it's time to give strategy no. 2 a shot - Eat.  Pray. Love.

So, I bought a copy of Eat Pray Love, which I'm going to read on the plane, and my only goal for the month of September is to have an adventure every day I'm out there.  Whether this leads to food, friends, or love, who knows, all I know is that I want stories to tell when I come back.  Maybe it can help heal the scab that remains on my soul.

There's nothing wrong with "boring".

A friend of mine just got dumped by his girlfriend, so there seems to be something in the water.  We both started dating our respective ex's at around the same time, so we sort of bonded on our mutual pursuit of our respective relationships.  He, like me, is a quintessential nice guy (not the feminist Nice Guy, which is the subject of another post) who taught himself to be more assertive with women, but also was willing to open himself up and be emotionally vulnerable in the hopes of building something more.

So his heart got smashed, right around the same time mine did.  Our bi-weekly dating debriefing sessions turned from navigating the waters of a new relationship to navigating the rapid waters of heartbreak.  My ex dumped me as an attempt to distance herself emotionally and physically from me.  His ex dumped him, apparently, because the relationship "bored" her.  I asked him about what led to the break-up.  He told me that while he was gone on a trip home, she told him that she didn't feel like she "missed" him.  While I was more accepting of getting dumped, he fought for her and asked her for an explanation and tried to get her to reconsider.  When pressed, she came up with a number of platitudes: "It's not you, it's me."  "I'm just not ready to settle down, I guess."  "I don't know what's wrong, you're great."  At the end of the day, she just wasn't feeling "it".  But what is "it" exactly?

Sometimes navigating the post-breakup waters is like investigating a crime scene.  You look for clues as to what happened and why, and while you often can't resurrect the relationship, you can clue yourself into the possible pathological proclivities of you and your partner.

I asked my friend what her former relationships looked like.  He told me that before she met him, she would often date guys who didn't treat her that well and would eventually dump her early on in the relationship - around the 5 or so month mark.  I venture a guess (though obviously I'm just guessing) that these relationships were probably fraught with guessing and second guessing: the relationship dance where one party yearns for a deeper intimacy while the other party pulls away, and the cycle repeats.

A real tragedy about these kinds of relationships is that this emotional roller coaster is often mistaken for "chemistry" or "love" or "excitement" and people equate dysfunction with love.  You get addicted to the emotional highs of it, but are absolutely demolished by the emotional lows.  And, even worse, this kind of thing can persist for years because, as one of my favorite blogs says, "insecure people lack an understanding of what distinguishes good and bad relationships, and they don't actually realize there is anything wrong with their or their partners' behaviors."

What does a "healthy" relationship look like, really?  According to Levine and Heller, authors of the fabulous book "Attached", pretty damn boring.  What is it like dating a "secure" person?  "For starters, they don't engage in the 'relationship dance' that therapists often refer to - whereby one partner gets closer while the other steps back in order to maintain a certain distance in the relationship at all times.  Instead there's a feeling of growing closeness and intimacy.  Second, they are able to sensitively and empathically - and most important, coherently - discuss emotions with you.  Last, the secure party engulfs his or her partner in an emotionally protective shield that makes facing the outside world an easier task."

I was having dinner with a colleague of mine and her husband and we talked about our relationships, their current one and my former one.  And, yes, life in a secure relationship is pretty boring.  We're there for each other.  We do things together.  There are no roller coaster highs and lows.  No epic fights.  Yeah, there is conflict, but when conflict arises, we reach a mutual resolution that brings us closer together.

I don't know my friend's ex and why she broke up with him.  But I do know that she said when they first started dating that he was everything she thought she wanted in a man: there for her, emotionally and physically.  Kind, put-together, generous, and giving.  And maybe she wasn't ready for that and needs to go through a few more trials and tribulations to realize that there's nothing wrong with just being boringly happy.  You can't live your life on the edge of your seat forever, and the potential of a low-drama relationship offers us so much more in the long run.  Coming to realize this is a big part of maturing and being able to enter a relationship that makes us truly happy.

I suck at traveling and I love it

I think one of the reasons why I love traveling so much is because I'm so bad at it.  When I say I'm bad at it, I mean that I hardly ever see everything there is to see, I never have a plan, and I often miss things.  But to me, that's a good thing; to me, traveling is about adventure and discovery.  I love the idea of going some place and having a spontaneous adventure, wandering around with only the vaguest sense of direction and location, and discovering little hideaways along the way.  I like to say that only through getting lost do you really discover yourself, and that's the outlook I have whenever I travel some place new.

So my "plan" is usually to go out to a location, and just sorta go from there.  A few weeks ago I was in New York for the first time in decades.  I just hopped on a subway and rode, all the way to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, which happened to be closed that particular day (like I said, I'm hardly a planner).  I didn't have a plan B, so I just winged it.  I walked around the Upper East Side, called and texted New York friends for cool eats in the area and took pictures in Central Park.

But it's not just about sights, but about the people you meet along the way.  One of my favorite things to do when I'm in Southeast Asia is to go to a local outdoor bar called Cheap Charlie's, buy myself a brew and strike up a conversation with the nearest stranger.  I would go equipped with my wit, brain, and personality and with only one intention: to have one interesting conversation with somebody, anybody.  Some of the people I met were strange and mean, but some of them were interesting and cool.  I had a conversation with a middle-aged Swedish businessman about how toastmasters changed his career and how to project confidence during presentations.  I had a conversation with a British school teacher about "The Wire" through a torrential downpour.

Of course, we all have different personal styles when it comes to experiencing the world.  For me, at least, as with many things in life, it's only when we let go out of the outcome, can we have a truly genuine experience.  I'm looking forward to talking about my adventures in Southeast Asia next month on this blog.

HBO's "Girls" and Our Dating Expectations

I just finished watching HBO's "Girls" on HBOGo.  It's a funny little show, nothing spectacular, or even original really.  It's essentially an indie version of Sex and the City with younger, poorer girls and without the expensive shoes.  The girls in both shows are generally well meaning but emotionally stunted.  Sex and the City concluded with all the main characters completing their meandering journey to love, despite their endearing personal quirks.  No real substantial character growth happened - even if the main characters ended up with the love of their lives, it was more a story of the triumph of the serendipity of love rather than a story of personal improvement.  Whether "Girls" suffers the same fate remains to be seen.

One disconcerting thing about "Girls" though, and a lot of media geared towards women, is a sort of dichotomous and, frankly, stereotypical view of men.  Guys in "Girls" are either stereotypically emotionally distant jerks or wimpy non-aggressive nice guys.  There's very little gray area.  Now I understand that sitcoms and other shows use stereotypical tropes for comedic effect, and "Girls" would hardly be a first.  But I also think that it's lazy and potentially destructive, because it feeds into a stereotype about the world that many believe is true.

That's correct: I've mentioned this somewhat minor criticism of the show to some of my female friends, and I've been alarmed to the extent to which many of them think that this is true; that the world really is divided into either wimpy nice guys or emotionally distant assholes.  The entire world, no gray area.  How many billion men on the planet?  Two categories.  When I challenge them on this, most often by asking them where I, personally, stand, I've been told either one of two things.  The nice ones will either say "well you're the rare exception."  The meaner ones (and really, calling her a "friend" is admittedly a stretch) tells me outright that I fall into the category of "wimpy nice guy".

Sure, I'm nice.  I also believe in being there for my partner.  And maybe I'm a little anxious too.  But I also will ask you out on a date when I think you're cute.  I'll will push you up against the wall and make out with you if passion takes me.  I would hardly say that's "wimpy".  I say this not to be defensive, as I'm sure I've gone out with many women who found me "too nice" or "too wimpy".  But, that's fine. I am who I am, and the point is, when we look deeper, people all of a sudden become harder to categorize.

One thing about being a researcher and a social scientist you learn is that the "truth" or the "true nature" of the world rarely ever conforms to an absolutist black and white version of events.  Why things happen and why we observe certain events in the world can be approximated, but often, even when things are statically significant, they can only explain a fraction of the variance.  If that's all statistical mumbo-jumbo to you, suffice to say that even when we're certain a particular variable has an influence on an outcome, it never, ever explains the whole story.

That being said, a trend that I see a lot is that we adopt a certain, and very binary world view: that men are either "wimps" or "assholes, or that women are either "crazy" or "boring," and lo and behold, the world we choose to live in conforms to our expectations.  There's an idea in dating that often we attract what we expect, principally because in dating it takes two to tango.  A guy who thinks all women are bitches and behaves as such will not attract a woman who is genuine and caring.  Why?  Because any genuine and caring woman would invariably be turned off by dating a guy with messed up misogynistic believes.  The sorting process will play out.  Invariably, the only woman willing to date someone with those beliefs is someone who holds those beliefs herself, even if subconsciously.

The flip side are women who believe that men play games and therefore play games themselves.  Maybe they wait to call, maybe they play hard to get.  The deeply ironic thing is that, by doing this, they're actually filtering out men who don't play games and who aren't emotionally distant.  In that way, we get what we expect.

Think of, then, the expectation that men are either wimpy nice guys or emotionally distant assholes.  If that's the case, then you either have to choose between a wimpy nice guy, or an emotionally distant asshole, and the women who believe this usually choose the latter (because they "aren't attracted to" wimps).  But by dividing the world is such a black and white dichotomous way, they're missing out on all the good in the gray.  It is not surprising to me that my friends who do have this dichotomous view of the world end up in relationships that are marred by the "relationship dance" where one partner chases emotional validation and the other shuts them out.  The real sad thing is, it doesn't need to be this way.  People mistake this dance as chemistry or love, but it's actually just acute emotional dysfunction.

You can meet someone who is confident, but emotionally intelligent and giving.  It isn't a rarity, we are out there.  You just have to look within yourself, ask yourself whether you're willing to write that guy off as either "too good to be true" or "too boring", or whether you're willing to give him a chance.

Dating as a End in and of Itself

I've always said that the real tragedy about breakups is not the relationship ending, but rather failing to learn any lessons from it ending.  In a way, despite the pain and anguish, a breakup offers us an opportunity to learn about ourselves and grow as human beings, after the dust of heartbreak settles.

In the weeks subsequent to my being dumped, I kept entertaining a recurring fantasy: that Hannah would come back, and that she would confess to me in tears that dumping me was the worst decision she'd ever made.  That she was wrong to give up a good guy like me so easily, and that she would regret that decision.  At the end of the conversation, I would turn her down, saying that I had moved on but that I wished her the best.

I told my therapist (who've I've been seeing sporadically for the last couple years) about this fantasy and we probed a bit deeper.  He said that this kind of fantasy is actually a soft revenge fantasy, sourced in vindictiveness and anger.  And that anger that we feel as spurned lovers is a mask for a deeper emotion: disappointment.

But where did this disappointment and anger come from?  While it is, of course, always a sad thing when a relationship end, why do some people handle it so much differently than others?  Why are some people bitter and vindictive, while others wistful, but appreciative?

This is where the concept of doing things as a means to an end as opposed to dating as an end in and of itself comes in.  This applies not just to dating, but how we handle all the things we do in life.  And this slight difference in view point makes all the world of difference in how we perceive things, especially when things go awry.

Seeing what we do as a means to an end means that we view our actions with an outcome in mind.  We go to school to get a degree.  We get the degree so we can get a job.  We work at our job so we can get money.  We use our money to buy stuff.  

On the other hand, seeing things as an end in and of itself means that we do things for the value we get out of doing them, independent of outcome.  We go to school because we love learning.  We work at our job because we enjoy what we do and it gives us great personal satisfaction.  

Apply this concept to dating.  If we were dating as a means to an end, what would that mean?  Well, think about our goals.  Assuming that most men want sex, then dating would be a means of getting laid (of course, this is not always the case, but often the case).  And assuming that most women want commitment/marriage, then dating would be a means to achieving that.  And when a relationship ends without either sex or marriage, what do we hear from the spurned?  Anger.  Vindictiveness.  A sense of betrayal.  "What a waste of time that relationship was."  "I wasted X years/months of my life for what?  For nothing!"  

Now look at it from the other perspective: dating as an end of itself.  Given this outlook, why do we date the people we date?  Because we are attracted to them, enjoy their company, and enjoy the shared intimacy and emotional connection with that person.  Does this mean we're not sad when relationships end?  Absolutely not.  A romantic partnership ending, like I said, is always a sad and disappointing affair.  But that added layer of anger, bitterness, and betrayal doesn't need to be there.  

When I look back at my long term relationship, I have nothing but fond memories of my time with her.  When I entered that relationship, we were two teenagers in college and we didn't know what we were signing up for and what was going to happen.  A long lasting and loving relationship blossomed without the weight of undue expectation.  And it was a very sad thing when it ended, but both of us can look back on our relationship like the end of a good novel: satisfied that we read it, but with  twinge of sadness and regret that a great story is over.

With me an Hannah on the other hand, I realize now that I was dating her with an end in mind.  I had been single for so long, and had been so long without the intimacy and security of a relationship, that I built an expectation within myself that she would become my girlfriend.  When she did, I was very happy, but when our brief relationship ended, I felt betrayed, disappointed, and angry.  The contract that I had written within myself was that if I could be kind enough to her, if I could be good enough in bed, if I could be a good enough boyfriend, then she would be my girlfriend.

When she decided to spontaneously exit our relationship, I felt as though my internal contract had been violated.  So instead of just dealing with the feelings of disappointment, sadness, and yearning that are natural with the heart-break process, I added an extra layer of betrayal, anger, and vindictiveness on top of it.  I felt as though I did my part: I was a good boyfriend, a great lover, and emotionally available.  I felt as though she didn't uphold her end of the bargain: to be my girlfriend and accept me as I was.

What I realize now is that not only did she not see our relationship the same way, but that she really did not owe me anything.  In her final emails to me, she told me how great of a time she had in our brief time together, and wished me luck.  I'm sure she'll remember me as the right man at the wrong time.  And now it's up to me to take that contract and rip it up.  Time to appreciate what I had, realize that we as human beings in relationships don't owe each other anything but ourselves in the moment, and recognize the moments I shared with Hannah that were beautiful, if brief.  

In dating, it behooves us to apply this concept of doing things as an end itself.  Why should we approach that girl?  Not because we want to get laid, but because we are attracted to her and want to know more about her.  Why should we go out with someone?  Because we want to get to know them better and spend time together.  Why should someone become our significant other?  Not for marriage, but for partnership.  

So, with that contract dissolved, I can look back and appreciate my relationship with Hannah, even if it was cut so tragically short.  If I'm sad it's because I miss being with a sexy, smart, kind, and fun girl.  If I'm disappointed, it's because we were going to have a great time together.  But, at the end, my brief relationship with her was good for my soul.  I know it, and am thankful for it.

Handling Getting Dumped

I suppose I should write about what inspired me to start this blog.

I haven't always been single.  In fact, I was "in a relationship" - facebook official and all that jazz - right up until I was unceremoniously dumped a little over two-weeks ago.  And a few years before that, I was in a long-term (seven years to be exact) relationship in which I, ultimately, was the dumper.  The former relationship, the heartbreak that ensued, and the blog reading that I did subsequently inspired me to start this blog.  The story behind both these relationships (one of them long, loving, healthy, and so far, the best I've ever had, and the other brutish and short) will be the subject of other blog posts.  But my personal observation on how to handle getting dumped (both from the perspective of the dumper and dumpee) is the subject of this specific blog post.

This is not a blog post about the 10 steps to get over your ex or some such nonsense.  Unlike those lying stupid romantic comedies in which relationships end on a whim and without tears, there is almost always an emotional casualty when relationships end.  Heartbreak is the price we pay for love.  And, the extent of our pain is correlated but not necessarily causally related with time.  Meaning that even though I was only with my latest ex (lets call her Hannah) for about 3 months, the pain was still devastating.  In fact, it may have been worse because I was firmly ensconced in the "happy world of possibility" stage of the relationship.

There's an important distinction between getting dumped and simply breaking up.  Often times, relationships breakup in a long and drawn out manner.  Think of it like a car gradually running out of gas.  Couples usually slowly fall out of love, stop having sex, start fighting more, and start the torturous process of breaking up and getting back together, until finally they decide they've had enough.  A dumping happens suddenly, with one party totally not expecting it.  So, conversely, as opposed to the relationship gradually grinding to a halt, it's more like a violent and disastrous car crash.  The emotional trauma of a breakup is already bad, but the trauma of getting dumped is magnified by the suddenness of it all.

So yes, that's exactly what happened to me about two weeks ago.  One day Hannah and I were lovey-dovey, happily and blissfully (at least I thought) in a relationship and spending copious amounts of time together and planning our summer adventures and beyond.  The next, she's weirdly cold and distant, and the next, I'm getting dumped.  Via email.

Okay, so it happening via email is not nearly as bad as getting dumped by post-it, but the text was more or less the same.  "I'm sorry.  I can't.  Don't hate me."

What I had interpreted as minor early relationship jitters turned into a twister that landed, laid waste to our admittedly brief but intense three month relationship, and left nothing but a giant smoldering pile of wreckage in the pit of my chest.  Yeah, it kinda sucked.

The first reaction I had, after the initial shock of it set it, was hysterical confusion.  What the heck just happened?  How did this happen?  What did I do?  And, the scariest question of all: what do I do now?

The first impulse of most people is to ask the dumpee why they're doing what they're doing, to not only understand what is going on but to make an attempt to renegotiate your way back into the relationship and make the pain and confusion go away.  This is not what I did, but I did ask her why she was doing what she was doing, and gently gave her a door to reconsider.  I asked Hannah whether she was sure that this was what she really wanted, and that she should maybe take some time and think about what she's doing.  She responded with an even more resolute email stating, more or less, that she realized that she was not ready for a relationship of any kind and the emotional obligation and messiness that all relationships have, at this stage of her life.

And this is where things can really go two ways.  Because, lets be honest.  Any answer the dumper gives is going to be unsatisfactory.  After all, this is the person who just took your still-beating heart, ripped it from your chest, and crushed right in front of your eyes, a la Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.  Nothing he or she really says is going to make much sense or make it much better.  In fact, they might as well be saying "Kali Ma" while they're doing it, because that would just as comprehensible.

And, well, often times reactions can be pretty damn extreme, especially if the dumpee has never been dumped or gotten their heart broken before.  I've heard and witnessed stories of non-stop calling, texting, cyber-stalking, physical stalking, property destruction, and (thankfully empty) threats of suicide all to get some emotional response out of the dumper in a desperate attempt to make them feel bad get them to realize the error of their ways and reengage in the relationship.

The harsh reality is that these things happen for a reason and that we can't make someone come back to us, or even make them explain themselves in a logical and coherent manner.  The only thing we, as dumpees, can do is conduct ourselves with dignity, class, and grace.  Often times, our dignity is the most important thing we can carry out of a relationship, and ironically, dignity is the first thing people are willing to give up when they are in the midst of heartbreak.

And this is where my former ex (lets call her Liz) comes in.  When I broke up with Liz, she also did not see it coming.  While, in retrospect, our relationship was clouded by doubt (mostly on my end) for years, when we were together we were a very happy and very healthy couple (the story of our breakup and the subsequent fallout for me will be the subject of a future blog post).  When I broke up with her, she was shocked and, understandably, absolutely devastated.  But she handled it with the utmost grace and dignity.  She cried, of course, and she was emotional and heartbroken.  But she was accepting of my reasons, didn't interrogate me, and didn't push or badger me emotionally.  She began the difficult healing process and committed to it.  She didn't call me in tears, didn't respond in anger, and didn't make me feel guilty for breaking her heart.  There is a reason why she remains one of the most awesome most emotionally mature people I know.

And, as I have done in the past, I took my cues from her.  I wished Hannah the best, and told her that I hoped she found what she was looking for in life.  I told her that I would need time to heal and I could not be her friend, at least for the near future.  I quietly unfriended her and the people I met through her from facebook, and I deleted her number from my phone and all her texts and email.  And I started the healing process on my own and committed myself to moving on.

One of the most important lessons I learned being single is that you can't control how other people react to you, you can only control how you respond to them.  I can't make Hannah come back to me, and I can't know whether she wants to or whether she's moving on blissfully with her life.  I don't know whether she's staying up at night crying herself to sleep over what she gave up or whether she's happily with some other man by now.  All I can do is look out for myself in this time of heartbreak, and that means doing what I need to do to move on.

So, thank you Liz, for showing me how to conduct myself with dignity, grace, and class.  A good relationship continues to teach you life lessons long after they're done, and for that, I'm forever thankful.