It's been a while since I posted this blog, but here I am, up with an all too frequent bout of insomnia, so now's a good a time as any to update peoples on my comings and goings, especially in regards to my love life. I'd like to say that I was out having out tons of romantic adventures during my 3 month hiatus, but I've just been absurdly busy with that other priority we call a "career". I know, boring, right? Other than a couple pretty lousy dates that I didn't feel the need to post about, it's been all quiet on that front, at least until recently.
I've actually been seeing two prospects right now, one I'll call the Reporter because, you guessed it, she's a reporter, and the other I'll call the Kenya girl because, well, she's currently off in Kenya until March. Ick. There are also a few other prospects on the radar, but they are only theoretical at this point and if they materialize into anything I'll post about them, but until then they exist ethereally in my mind.
I think that the three things that make up a romantic partnership are attraction, chemistry, and compatibility. These three things are often confounded with one another, but they are actually pretty distinct, in my opinion. Attraction is how physically attracted you feel about someone. Another way of putting it is, how fast does this person make your head turn? Compatibility is the least sexy but probably most important aspect of a relationship - it's the shared interests, values, and life goals that become the glue that hold a romantic partnership together. Chemistry is the most "black box" variable in this entire equation - it's the combination of sometimes tangible and often intangible qualities of someone's personal style that inspire feeling and emotion within us. Obviously these things are all correlated - you're more likely to feel physically attracted to someone with who you feel intense chemistry with, and sometimes vice versa. But it's important not to confound the three concepts. They are distinct.
Ideally, a relationship will feature all three, but sometimes entire relationships and marriages are based of two or just one of these ingredients. An arranged marriage may feature only attraction and compatibility but no chemistry. A companionate marriage may feature only compatibility. A friends with benefits relationship may be based off of just sex and a brief window of compatible wants. A one night stand could be just about attraction and nothing more. If you've ever met someone who married someone else who was far less attractive than them, this is a great example of chemistry and compatibility with less attraction.
In the past few months, I've experienced at least two combinations of these variables - chemistry and compatibility minus attraction, attraction and compatibility minus chemistry. If I look back far enough in my life, I also experienced a third combo long ago - chemistry and attraction minus compatibility, but that's a story for another blog post.
So, the first story is the story of the archeologist - chemistry and compatibility without attraction. She was one of the first girls I went out with when I got back from Thailand, and, yes, I met her through the internet. She messaged me and seemed interesting enough paper as well as attractive enough by her pictures so I figured, what the heck, it's just a date right? When we got together, I was stuck instantly by how well we got along - the chemistry between us was great, and we shared a lot of values and the same sense of humor.
But, there was a catch. While her pictures made it seem like I could be attracted to her, in person she was just... borderline at best. But the chemistry was so strong that I felt compelled to keep seeing her for at least a little, just to see whether the other two variables outweighed the first one. On our second date, we made out a bunch and the clothes came off, but it ended there because I really couldn't get around the fact that I just didn't like seeing her naked. Call me shallow if you will, but that was the rub unfortunately. She was deeply upset when I had to end it with her because, by her admission, we had just great chemistry, and she was right. But, to thine own self be true, as they say.
The second story is the story of the surgeon. I met her through mutual friends - she was pretty, kind, smart, successful, and nerdy. In other words, exactly the kind of girl I, theoretically want. And, she liked me, my most important requirement.
However, after a few weeks of dating, it was abundantly clear that "something" was missing, that something was chemistry. Put simply, I didn't feel it. The attraction was there, and the compatibility was there, but the chemistry wasn't and the more I went out with her, the more I sort of felt as though it wasn't going to work. When I kissed her, I felt as though I was doing it because I felt I should, and I simply didn't feel that spark.
So, a couple tales of "close but no cigar" in the fall. I'm still happy to have had these experiences, an am holding out for the girl who can hit all three cylinders... which brings me to the Kenya girl. But, maybe next time.
No comments:
Post a Comment