Dear Doctor,
I
thought I'd write you because you seem to enjoy writing, with the blog and all,
and you seem open to new people. I've never been very good at having deep
connections with people. My friendships are pretty superficial and every time I
try to open myself up it seems to go awkwardly. I don't know if that's the type
of people I'm doing it with or what. But long life story short, this inability
to make close, intimate friends (or even get to know new people quickly) has
contributed to a lot of my anxiety with women and social situations, hence my
interest in Mark Manson's writing.
I'm
a Canadian, but I'm leaving for grad school in Germany in 3 weeks. I don't know
anyone there, speak a little German, and my major anxiety about the whole thing
is meeting people. I'm terrified that I won't be able to make good friends. I
just stumble at getting to know them and I'm not sure how to get better at
this. You mentioned in your blog post today that your skill of forming
intimate, lasting friendships is notable. I want to be able to develop this
skill. Do you have any wisdom to impart? Is it just being intensely interested
in other people? Is it trying to make yourself as interesting as possible
(Definitely don't feel comfortable with this one)? I'm stuck here and I don't
really have any role models in my life that make friends so effortlessly. Your
blog post really interested me and I guess inspired this email. So if you feel
like writing to me about it, I'd appreciate it. Hope the weather's nice
wherever you are.
D
I think that, in regards, to your problem, you're already on the
right track by stepping out of your comfort zone and going to graduate school
in germany. I think the real key is exactly that: your comfort zone. Don't
tell yourself, as many do, that you are unable to make friends - it merely is a
matter of expanding your comfort zone so that you feel comfortable interacting
and making these sorts of intimate connections with people. In that
sense, the ability to make friends is something that can be cultivated - like
working out a muscle, we can practice at it.
Here are a couple tips I have
1) Put yourself in situations where you're interacting with new
people constantly. This means not only hanging out with your graduate
student friends, but also seeking out new opportunities in the new place you
are in. The internet, meet up groups, and the like can be useful for
this. This can be intimidating - I understand. But doing this is
half the battle.
2) Accept that you wont make friends with everyone and that
every relationship you have will take on a different property and form. Not
only that, people will not always get along with you and you will not always
get along with them. Making a lasting friend is a combination of shared
interests and ease in communication, as well as building a history together. This
makes a true intimate friendship, while not a rarity, something that must be
built on.
3) The key, though, to building a truly transcendent
relationship with someone is letting yourself be vulnerable with them. This
goes hand in hand with no. 2 - that you can't make friends with everyone. Some
people will find your true being - your imperfections, your flaws, the
ugliness, the messiness, and the beauty that all entails - and not be
interested. But if you want to build a true bond with a friend, this is a
requirement. My best friends have seen me at my worst, and they have seen
me at my best. My roommate is one of my best friends, and he has seen me
break down and cry, as I have him. It brought us closer together, and I
can safely say that it builds something authentic and real.
I hope that these tips help. Remember that being social
and building friendships takes work and practice. You are already on the
right path by putting yourself out there. Strive for transcendence,
accentuate the positive, and I have confidence that it will work out.
Best of luck,
The Doctor
No comments:
Post a Comment