Scenes from a Wedding

I know I said I'd update all of you on my latest hot lead - the Kenya girl - but before I get to that, I'd like to recount a brief story of a wedding I went to in Chicago.

I'm entering my 30's this year, and, as is often the case, I've found myself going to a steady diet of weddings every spring and summer for the past 3 years.  After returning from Thailand, I barely had time to recover from jet lag before I had to go to my friend Lucky's wedding.  Lucky is actually 7 years or so older than me, but we met years prior in California and became fast friends, bonding on a mutual interest in Chicago sports, Chicago politics, and, well, everything Chicago.

Lucky's story of how he met his now-wife is a story of fearlessness and honesty.  He was stuck in a deteriorating relationship with a woman he had fallen out of love with but was bound to, at least temporarily, by a mutually signed lease.  They were no longer talking and no longer sleeping in the same room.  One night, he went out to Octoberfest and met a girl and went home with her that night.  The next day, he came home and his ex-girlfriend demanded to know where he had been the night before.  Instead of making up a lie, he told her the truth - that he had met and slept over at another woman's house.  His ex-girlfriend kicked him out of their apartment, and he proceeded to march over to the new girls house and explain to her exactly what happened.  She offered him a place to stay and, 3 years later, I'm attending their wedding.  It's the story of how a one night stand turned into something so much more and proof that sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.  But crazy love stories like that are more common than you think when you listen to enough of them.

Anyways, back to my story.  I had initially put down a +1 for Lucky's wedding, but the implosion of my last relationship meant that I was flying solo.  But then I had a thought while I was in Thailand - why not do something crazy and see what happens.  Enter Kelly, the "perfect girl for me".  Well, according to my friends at least.

I had met Kelly years before though mutual friends who were looking to set us up.  She's cute, smart, and spunky; certainly my kind of girl.  One problem: Kelly had a long term boyfriend.  The problem, in my friends' eyes, was that this guy was a total loser.  He let himself go dramatically during their relationship, both physically (he got fat) and emotionally (didn't take care of her emotional needs at all).  She put up with it, as many do, out of love, or, more likely, habit.  Our friends hoped that putting us together might inspire her to realize that there were handsome, motivated single men out there and that she didn't have to settle for second rate.  And indeed, when her and I got together it was clear that there was a social connection there, but I have no interest in meddling in other people's relationships, and it was also very clear that she still loved this guy, despite all his faults, so we both seemed content to be friendly acquaintances. 

Fast forward a couple years and I'm sitting in Thailand without a date to a wedding in Chicago, where Kelly happens to live.  Kelly, by now, has finally broken up with her loser boyfriend, so I figure, what the hey, might as well shoot her an email and see whether she wants to go.  She responds: it's a date.

The wedding itself is gorgeous.  It's being held at the Art Institute of Chicago ballroom, a gorgeous venue complete with balcony and, for this wedding, a swing band to boot.  My date shows up a little late but we get right down too it - like before, the connection between us is immediate and transcendent.  It's always funny the reaction some people have on you.  Sometimes, connecting with someone is like pulling teeth, sometimes, we fit together like two puzzle pieces.

Well, mostly at least.  Of course, there was a catch.  Kelly had indeed broken up with her boyfriend several months ago, but she immediately took on a rebound lover who she was currently involved with.  Not only that, the boyfriend, being spurned, decided to "get his act together" and was working out and promising all the things he refused to provide before - commitment, marriage, emotional support, all that jazz.  Of course, she was torn between the familiarity of an old love, the fact that her rebound guy was actually a pretty nice guy, and now, me.  In other words, she was a hot mess.

Still, a connection was there and I figured that it was time to try something a little new: radical honesty.  Maybe it wasn't going to ever happen between me and Kelly - distance and circumstance seemed to be conspiring against us.  But that shouldn't stop me from expressing desire and attraction, dropping all the pretenses and putting my true intent out there without fear of rejection.  Getting from to the point of just putting out that you like someone is, for some, harder than a lot of people think, mainly because of the fear of rejection.  That's why you have guys who toil in the friend zone and awful stories of men (and some women) trying to "friend" their ways into relationships.  People hide their true intentions because they're afraid.

Of course, being afraid is normal, but letting those fears dictate your actions is where unattractiveness comes from.  So my resolution since the end of my last relationship has been to just be as expressive as possible, and act despite whatever reservations or fears I might have.  I was not sure what Kelly felt, but I knew what I felt - there was this attractive person in front of me who, while being a hot mess, I liked despite of everything.  And so I told her exactly that, without expectation and despite my anxieties.

Kelly's response was, initially, mostly of surprise.  She told me it's not often that someone just puts something like that out there.  And then the night took a turn for the romantic.  It was as if something opened up.  When I took her hand and brought her out to the dance floor, we talked about how we'd have our wedding right at this spot.  At the end of the night, she asked me to come get drinks with her... and I politely turned her down.  I told her that maybe after she sorted out all the other issues in her life, and if the universe brought us back together, I'd take her up on the offer.  I hailed her a cab, closed the door, and watched it speed away into the Chicago night.

I realized this night that radical honesty is not only attractive, but it's liberating.  It liberates one from fear.  After the words are said and the intent is made clear, then it's just a matter of sorting.  If love is a gift then there is really no such thing as rejection, just regifting.  I probably wont end up with Kelly, but we had a romantic time at a wedding... so I can happily check that one off the bucket list.