I like to say that I'm only have three really notable skills. I was either born with these skills or developed them over time, I really couldn't tell you either way. The first is the ability to effortlessly use words to form concise and artful sentences. The second is the ability to establish intimate and long lasting friendships. The third is the ability to make passionate love. Ok, I'm only half joking about that last one: you'll have to confirm with my ex-girlfriends about that.
As I wind down my trip to Asia, I was ruminating recently about how many new friends I made here, how many old connections that were reinvigorated, and how many people I will miss when I leave. This is something I've always been exceptionally good at: making friends, no matter where I go, and no matter with who, regardless of age, circumstance, or creed. Give me a beer, two chairs, and a smile and I'll make a connection under most circumstances.
My trip ends in a week and most of my days are filled up with dinners I need to have, drinks I need to do, and we're not even covering time I'm spending with my two-week Thai girlfriend (more on that later). I always joked that if I was as good with my romantic pursuits as I was with my fraternal ones, I could give up my day job and become a gigolo.
But then I wondered, is the process by which we make friends all that different from the process by which we pursue lovers? While obviously they are not one and the same, aren't we just talking about establishing an emotional and social connection with someone? I like to say that I don't make good sentences; rather, good sentences come to me. I also never try to make friends, I just put myself out there and things tend to take care of themselves.
But when it comes to dating and romantic pursuits, I always considered this a deeply daunting task. Going on dates, hitting on girls, going out on more dates, online dating, and onward and so forth. Just thinking about it exhausted me, and I often joked that I could see the appeal of becoming a monk. When Hannah and I broke up, one of my first reactions was, "Dear God, I need to get out there again. I just don't know whether I have the wherewithal for getting back into the 'game' again."
As I thought more deeply about why I considered finding and making a romantic connection to be such a daunting task, I realized that it was due to a fundamental way I viewed the world of love. That is that I viewed love as a commodity. Not only a commodity, but a scarce one at that. Love was something to be sought, and when "found", to be treasured. If I think deeply, this might have to do with growing up in a family that saw the marriage between my mother and father slowly break down and dissolve over time. The love they had for one another petered out and at the end, all that was left was sadness and recrimination. Whether consciously or sub-consciously, I vowed to make all my relationships from then on "perfect."
Because of this, I put up requirements for all my potential lovers: they had to have these things in common with me, be of a certain type, be nerdy, be smart, be sweet. But I think, most importantly, I put pressure on myself to "get it right". Each interaction was a high stakes game of poker. I either folded right away when I felt the hand I was dealt wasn't a winner, or I went all in and put my heart on the line.
When it comes to making friendships, though, I don't see things that way at all. If I like you, I will tell you and I will want to get to know you. I was at a train station off in the provinces of Thailand last week and I helped as translator for a man from New Zealand. Afterwards I offered him my email address and told me to get in touch if he was ever in Bangkok and I'd buy him a drink. He never did, but I didn't care: I was offering because I genuinely wanted to get to know him better. I thought about this, and that's when I realized...
My friendship is a gift, and it's a gift I give freely and often. I give it freely because I have so much of it. I have an infinite supply of my ability and want to be your friend. Why can't my love be the same thing? If it's a gift that you have an infinite supply of, then you can't ever be mad if your gift is turned down. If you give it freely, honestly, and genuinely, without a need for anything in return, then you can never be disappointed.
Dating and the pursuit of love can be seen like a game, but what I didn't realize before is that the stack that I hold behind my hand is as large as I want it to be. People cordon themselves off because they think the love they have to give is finite. It isn't. My love is as big as I want it to be. Anybody can be offered it, it's just up to me to package it and start giving it away.
And this leads me to my next two stories: the story of the one night romance in Singapore and the only pick-up line you'll ever need, and the story of my two-week Thai girlfriend. Stay tuned, dear readers, there is certainly more to come!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
My Adventures as a Red Light District Spy and An Interview with a Thai Hooker
I hold a dual-Thai and American citizenship and am 100% Asian, but Thais rarely think I'm Thai. This can be both irritating and useful. Irritating because Thais are often talking to me like I'm a clueless Korean tourist and, for whatever reason, it makes it so I'm not as good of a vendor bargainer as I could be. Useful because I can sometimes sneak into places where I normally couldn't go, like the famous (or rather infamous) Soi Cowboy red light district in Bangkok.
A little background: Soi Cowboy is an alleyway in the center of Bangkok that features a row of strip clubs and go-go bars, replete with beautiful Thai women and western tourists looking to check out the legendary "ping pong shows", a little cheap love with an exotic beauty, or maybe some of both. It's called "Soi Cowboy" because many of the bars are western themed, but also because of the main catch: the place exists exclusively for foreigners. Bouncers do not allow Thai locals into any of the establishments. If you even look Thai at all, they stop you at the door and ask you for your passport. Why this is, I'm uncertain. From what I hear, it may be because the girls don't want their real life boyfriends coming in and causing a ruckus. Or it may be because the girls want to preserve a degree of anonymity with their chosen professions. In any case, the norm is generally strictly enforced.
So this is where my ability to seem so naturally foreign comes in handy. Not that I frequent the red light district often (or ever), mind you, but one of my good friends was in town recently and wanted to see a famous show and maybe get a little female attention while we were at it. So, I put on my American accent and went off to one of the seediest places in Bangkok, for the first time ever.
To say that Soi Cowboy is ostentatious would be an extreme understatement. It is a place that stands out even among the bright lights and crowds of the massive metropolitan known as Bangkok to where it's absolutely unmistakable. Bright red neon lights flood the street, which, at the later hours, is lined with heavily made up girls in four inch heels, beckoning passers by to stop inside the establishment of their employ and have a drink. Cries of "Mister, mister, come inside" trail us as we walk down the the brightly lit street. Interestingly, one of the girls is wearing these super cute hipster glasses and, aside from wearing a tube top about two sizes too small, is a girl that I'm surprisingly very attracted to. Her shy grin wins me over, and that's the place we decide to go.
Inside, we see a line of foreigners seemingly in a trance staring at pole dancers dressed in nothing but cowboy hats and boots doing an acrobatic dance. We sit down and order ourselves a drink: 400 baht for a beer, which is about US $12.50, normal club prices in the US, but absolutely exorbitantly expensive in Thailand. And that's when the fun really starts.
Two girls immediately come over and start talking to us, trying to get us to buy them drinks. One of the girls is a dark skinned beauty and she seems to have taken a special liking to me, for whatever reason, as she tells me in broken English that I'm hot and starts grinding against my leg. First, it takes all of my conscious effort to respond to her in American English instead of Thai, and second, she must be an extremely good actor because I really did get the impression she thought I was hot. I guess they don't call it the land of smiles for nothing.
While me and my friend are sharing our exorbitantly expensive beers with our new found groupies, I'm noticing that the girls on stage have changed from the acrobatic dancers to a row of girls who are just sorta club dancing to the music and who have numbers pinned to their tops. At first I was a little confused, but then I realized that there were actually two types of girls who work at the club: dancers, and "company girls", or girls who are there for patron company.
The idea is this - if you see a girl who you like, you call over the hostess and tell her their number. The girl then checks you out: if she likes what she sees, the she comes over and has a drink with you. If she doesn't, you're told to try someone else. Most girls there can speak decent enough English. They come over, flirt with you, and if you really want to, you can take them out of the bar... for a price.
And, I think it's safe to say that the girls here are stunning, even for their chosen profession of dancer/hooker. If there's a stereotype about Bangkok and Thailand that's true, it's that you really can get a beautiful girl for the right price.
My friend is smitten with a dark skinned beauty on the stage and asks me to pick out a girl to make our party a foursome. As a side note to all this description, at this stage I'm absolutely overwhelmed with the sensory overload that has been this place so far. Soi Cowboy is really smack dab in the middle of the city: one instant I'm walking through the rainy Bangkok streets and the next, I'm in a strip club with a girl grinding up against my leg (I wasn't that into her so we sent her off). I decide to play along, but mostly because I'm curious about the experience, and so I pick a very cute girl with a bubble booty (Asian girls with booty, now that's a rarity) and the next thing I know I have a pretty girl on my arm.
I'll be upfront: I've never been into the sex for money thing. I just don't believe in spending money for something that really should be free, but I also decline to pass judgement on consenting adults who do decide to partake in this commercial transaction for sex. Not that I don't think it's part of an inherently exploitative patriarchal system, but I think that with two consenting adults at least it's an honest one.
So my friend decides he's so smitten with his girl that he wants to take her out of the bar. This necessitates a fee that we have to pay the bar to take the girl outside. It's how the bar ensures their take from these girls, and I'm assuming that the girl gets to keep whatever money her client gives her that night for herself. This fee is about 800 baht (or 25 bucks) per girl, and my friend pays the fee for both his girl and mine.
All of a sudden we're off to a hotel and I'm thinking, wait a minute, I'm going to a hotel... with a hooker. An extremely pretty girl, but a hooker none the less. Am I actually going to go to bed with her?
The answer to that is... no.
We go to a local hotel right there in the red light district, which charges by the hour. My friend goes into his personal room, and I go into mine and I have sort of a Holden Caulfield moment. I'm sitting on the side of the bed and she's wondering what's wrong. That's when I lay out my cards: I start speaking to her in Thai and I tell her she's a beautiful girl but I'm just not into the sex for money thing. She is surprised when I start talking to her in Thai instead of English and I'm relieved to find out that she's actually pretty happy when I say I don't want to do anything with her. After this, we head down to the hotel lobby, buy ourselves a couple plates of pad thai from the mobile pad thai stand (which might be the most awesome invention known to man kind) and I do what I do best: I talk to her.
And that's how I came to have an interview with a Thai hooker.
She turned out to be a pretty sweet girl really. Unlike most of the girls she works with, she's actually from Bangkok. Most Thai hookers/dancers are from the northern regions of Thailand which are much poorer. Girls come to Bangkok telling their families that they're taking a corporate job, but end up turning tricks instead to make money and send back to their poor families in the provinces.
My girl tells me she does pretty much the same thing, only her family lives in the Bangkok area. Her working at Soi Cowboy makes sense: the foreigner only requirement means that she never runs into anybody she knows at work, as her profession is a shameful secret. She tells me that hooking is actually very lucrative, and in a good month she can turn out as much as 80,000 baht a month, which is an upper income level for Thais.
The work sounds grueling though. She said she works 6 days (nights?) a week and only gets one day off (and gets required days off when she's on her period). She said she chose me because she actually prefers Asian clients. She likes the way they look and her ideal scenario is to meet a wealthy Korean businessman who will take her away from this job that she wasn't thrilled to have. She said she almost had this and actually went to Korea to live with a client of hers once. Alas, it didn't work out and she had to come back.
She said she has a boyfriend, who, of course, doesn't know about her extracurricular activities. He thinks she works a late night job as a waitress. Even more amazingly, she told me that he is an Asian Muslim! She said she liked him but wasn't sure it could ever work out between them.
Overall, it was an interesting and sort of sad tale from a decent pretty girl. In a way, her job makes her a good deal of money and she feels empowered because she's essentially an independent contractor. But on the other hand, she's a girl with little education and no experience so hooking is about the only thing she thinks she knows how to do.
At the end of our interview, I asked her for her number or email, which she declined to give me. I gave her my email address and asked her to keep in touch: I genuinely liked her and wanted to see what happened in her life. I haven't heard from her yet, and I suppose I won't be hearing from her at all... and it makes sense I suppose. After all, she is a Thai hooker, and I'm just some weird Thai-American guy who asked her all sorts of odd questions. But it did make for a nice story, on my part at least.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Welcome to the Jungle
I've landed in Bangkok, and I'm sitting in a Starbucks writing a blog post. I guess even thousands of miles from home, some things don't change.
Anyways, that's what I have for you all for now. But, look for some cool Thailand related blog posts in the future. This includes
I always feel a little strange when I come to Thailand. I technically hold a Thai passport in addition to my US passport and am a dual citizen. I spent 5 years of my youth in this country (ages 9-14), formative years for sure. I'd like to say they were all positive, but they weren't. I moved to Thailand too Americanized, and spent my awkward adolescent years learning a language I was only loosely familiar with, in a place I where I was neither foreign nor native. I did pick up the language eventually, but being kicked around from Thai public schools (where I would routinely fail exams because I read and wrote at a preschool level) to elitist private international schools (where I was bullied for being skinny, ugly, and out of place) took a toll on my psyche. I like to say I left with a trunk load of baggage: some of it good, some of it bad.
It's because of these experiences, as well as my American accented Thai, that I always feel halfway out of place in my second country. I love coming here, and I could see myself living here one day, but I think I'll always be perpetually half a foreigner, half a native.
Anyways, here are some general observations I have about Bangkok; stuff that I notice immediately upon landing and getting out into the world.
- Thailand is known as the Land of Smiles, there's a reason for this. The people are generally absurdly nice, but I think what's more the case is that Thailand is a service oriented country. I'm struck by how absurdly helpful and polite service people are here. Every interaction is absurdly deferential, as if you're doing them a favor just by existing there. And they love foreigners and will go out of their way to make you feel at home. For a culture that doesn't tip, it's kind of an amazing thing.
- The women in Thailand are absurdly beautiful. If you like skinny Asian girls in heels, Bangkok is the place for you. My friend and I joked that you could apply a "stones throw" method of gauging how beautiful the women are in Thailand. That is, if you threw a rock into a crowd of people, there is a positive chance that you'd hit someone you'd probably sleep with without much of a second thought.
- That being said, the women here (and the men, to a lesser extent) are afflicted a "Western standard of beauty". Thai people are naturally darker skinned than their other Asian counterparts (Chinese, Korean, etc.). For whatever reason, one of the standards of beauty here is lighter skin. This is such a ingrained norm that women walk around with umbrellas in broad daylight, darker skinned women power themselves to the point where they look literally clownish, and dermatology is a big business here. All the big movie stars are either light skinned Thais or half-white.
- Thais have no qualms about saying things to you that would be considered extremely rude in other cultures. This includes: calling you out for being tan, and calling you out for being fat. I don't consider myself fat by any stretch of the imagination, but last year when I came maybe a few pounds over weight. I got tired of the amount of crap I got about it, not just from family, but from casual acquaintances. I guess that's why everybody's skinny here: unrelenting Asian weight shame. If you think the weight shame in America is bad, you really haven't seen anything until you've been to Asia.
- It is really very very hard to pick up girls at bars and clubs in Thailand. Why? Because everything is table service. Even in the clubs. All table service. And, not only that, but Thais generally go out in huge groups - like groups of 15 or more. Combine all these things and it's generally pretty difficult to pick up strangers in Thailand. From what I know, people usually meet each other through social circles or are set up. Online dating is mostly Thai girls looking for white guys.
- Thai people walk fucking slow. I just had to say it. Walking around here makes me want to scream.
- They also don't sweat. I don't understand how this is possible.
- When I tell people in America I'm coming to Thailand, the response is usually "watch out for the lady boys". It's a little irritating, but Thai transsexuals do have a reputation of being the best looking trannies in the world. This is generally accurate. I'm definitely seen and talked to some before and if you didn't talk to them, you'd think, wow, that's a hot girl. But then you start talking to them and something is just... off. Their voices are just a little deep, they're just a little too tall, their hands a little too big. In any case, ladyboys hang out in very specific locations, as well as hookers. If you don't go to the red light district or into massage parlors, you wont run into any, plain and simple.
Anyways, that's what I have for you all for now. But, look for some cool Thailand related blog posts in the future. This includes
- An interview with a Thai hooker and my experiences as a red light district spy. This one will be fun to tell.
- The story of the worst date ever (it took place in Thailand).
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Brief Update
Hello there to my (minuscule) readership!
I know I haven't written in over a week - it has been my goal to have at least one blog post/essay a week, but I've been busy preparing to make my big trip out to Southeast Asia for the month, so finding the time to pen a blog post has been difficult. I'm leaving tomorrow (August the 29th) for a full month in the jungle.
I realize that most of this blog has been about dating, relationships, and sexual politics. There are topics that I'm very much interested in, both as a veteran dater and bachelor, and, honestly, it's where a lot of my extracurricular passion for writing is derived from nowadays. My one blog post on travel was written off the cuff, and looking back at it, it's a little lazy, and easily the weakest of my blog posts. That being said, I'd love to develop my travel writing, especially since I'll be traveling for the next month, so look for more blog posts on my adventures abroad while I try to feel my way through developing this particular skill.
That being said, I have a ton of ideas for blog posts about all of the above. This includes
- What it's like to move in and out of a new country (my personal story)
- A book review of "Attached". Honestly, one of the most important books about relationships I've ever read.
- The story of my non-physical love affair with a married woman. That one is a wowzer.
- My thoughts on sexual politics and the "commodity model" of sex.
- Whatever adventures I end up getting into while in Thailand (romantic or otherwise)
and more! So stay tuned...
I know I haven't written in over a week - it has been my goal to have at least one blog post/essay a week, but I've been busy preparing to make my big trip out to Southeast Asia for the month, so finding the time to pen a blog post has been difficult. I'm leaving tomorrow (August the 29th) for a full month in the jungle.
I realize that most of this blog has been about dating, relationships, and sexual politics. There are topics that I'm very much interested in, both as a veteran dater and bachelor, and, honestly, it's where a lot of my extracurricular passion for writing is derived from nowadays. My one blog post on travel was written off the cuff, and looking back at it, it's a little lazy, and easily the weakest of my blog posts. That being said, I'd love to develop my travel writing, especially since I'll be traveling for the next month, so look for more blog posts on my adventures abroad while I try to feel my way through developing this particular skill.
That being said, I have a ton of ideas for blog posts about all of the above. This includes
- What it's like to move in and out of a new country (my personal story)
- A book review of "Attached". Honestly, one of the most important books about relationships I've ever read.
- The story of my non-physical love affair with a married woman. That one is a wowzer.
- My thoughts on sexual politics and the "commodity model" of sex.
- Whatever adventures I end up getting into while in Thailand (romantic or otherwise)
and more! So stay tuned...
Sunday, August 19, 2012
The Great Beyond
So it's been about a month since Hannah and I split, and I think I'm mostly over it. I'd say maybe about 85% over it. Seeing pictures of us together and driving by places where we went out doesn't make me feel that stabbing sensation in my chest anymore, and I realize now that she likely wasn't the right girl for me. It's pretty typical to idealize a relationship right after you've broken up, but now that the dust of heartbreak has settled, I can look back and see that while she is a sweet girl, she just didn't really want to accommodate my relationship needs at all. I'm not a very demanding guy, but I do have wants and needs, and I don't see relationships as a "zero-sum" game where one person getting their needs met means the other person needs to sacrifice their needs. I think that Hannah saw our relationship dynamic that way, and reacted accordingly.
In any case, I know I'm better because I'm certainly thinking about her much less, and talking about her much less too. The cold turkey thing is stunningly effective - I had her worked out of my system in more or less three weeks. For the first three weeks, I kept on expecting or hoping that she'd be in touch; that she would send me a longing text, email, or show up at my door to tell me that she missed me. That never happened, and, over time, that want faded away. While there are still remnants there, and while I still miss her, I think I just miss being close to someone. That's perfectly normal.
The question now is, what next? There are generally two strategies to get over a breaking up.
1) "The only way to get over someone is to get under someone else." AKA, the Rebound strategy.
2) "Take a break and rediscover who you are." AKA, the Eat Pray Love strategy.
I'm sure both of these strategies are equally effective for different people, but for my part, I spent the better part of the last week doing the Rebound strategy. Part of it is that a lot of men sort of adhere by that strategy and several of my guy friends were intent on getting me "back out there" to get my groove back.
Honestly, the results have been somewhat mixed. Last Wednesday I went to a speed dating thing, which was an utter waste of my time and money. I'd like to write a hilarious and funny story about it here, but there's not much to say other than it kinda sucked. I'm really not sure how you can connect with someone based on five minutes of small talk, but I didn't feel it from a single woman there. I think I checked no on all but maybe two of the ladies, and they must not have been feeling it too, because they did the same. I left the speed dating event feeling down because I was reminded as to how much trial and error you have to go through to meet someone you really connect with. I had a mini-heartbreak resurgence, and was tempted to give Hannah a call, but it quelled before I could do anything stupid.
The next day I went to a Cocktails for Choice fundraiser for planned parenthood thing (solo, no less) and decided to just wing it. I was going to talk to people and not care about numbers or outcomes. The ratio was absurdly favorable - 3:1 female to male, and all around the 20's to 30's age range. And I actually did get a couple numbers out of there (though none I really care to call, for other reasons) and had an overall good time. But I didn't really "feel it" with any of the ladies I talked too. I don't know whether I was blocking myself or whether it was a legitimate lack of flirtatious energy. It was a little exhilarating to go out solo and without a wing man and to just be brave. It's nice to know that, at least when it comes to that, I'm still perfectly capable of overcoming my fear of introducing myself and talking to attractive women I don't know.
Finally, I went to a singles event with my good friend and mentor Jonathan, who functions very well as my go to wing man when I'm single. Jonathan is single in his early 40's and is "unique" in that he actually likes women his own age, so we don't usually target the same demographic. He has the wisdom of a man who's been single and in relationships all of his life - like a grizzled veteran who's seen all the moves, he can tell me exactly what's going on in certain situations and can talk me down from my neuroses. We go to a lot of mixed age single events together where he talks to older ladies and I talk to younger ones, unless I happen to catch the eye of a cougar.
This event was some sort of absurd "Zodiac sign" event where people put their sign on their name tags and broke off into "compatible" groups. I actually think astrology is a load of bunk, but hey, I can play along, especially since it seems as though so many women (even smart, scientific, logical thinking ones) really believe the stuff.
In any case, the event kinda sucked. A lot of the guys there seemed to be really weird, and this scared away like 50% of the ladies before I could even talk to any of them. I was about to cash in my chips for the night until Jason and I started to talk to these two nurses who were among the last women there. And, all of a sudden, it was totally on with me and one of the nurses. I felt "it". We were flirting. Exchanging looks. Touching. Some guy came and tried to butt in, but she kept on looking my way. I could tell that she wanted to keep talking to me. She was a little older than me, but totally cute... maybe a bit cougarish, but what do I care? Maybe she could've been a nice send off before my Southeast Asia trip...
But I froze. I didn't ask for her number. I don't know why. It was right there, right in front of me, hanging slider right at the heart of the plate, and I let it fly by for a strike.
Afterwards, Jonathan asked me what I was thinking, and I didn't have any good answers. I was definitely attracted to her. But you know what, maybe it is too soon. Maybe I'm just not suited for strategy no. 1. My big trip to Southeast Asia is coming up, so maybe it's time to give strategy no. 2 a shot - Eat. Pray. Love.
So, I bought a copy of Eat Pray Love, which I'm going to read on the plane, and my only goal for the month of September is to have an adventure every day I'm out there. Whether this leads to food, friends, or love, who knows, all I know is that I want stories to tell when I come back. Maybe it can help heal the scab that remains on my soul.
In any case, I know I'm better because I'm certainly thinking about her much less, and talking about her much less too. The cold turkey thing is stunningly effective - I had her worked out of my system in more or less three weeks. For the first three weeks, I kept on expecting or hoping that she'd be in touch; that she would send me a longing text, email, or show up at my door to tell me that she missed me. That never happened, and, over time, that want faded away. While there are still remnants there, and while I still miss her, I think I just miss being close to someone. That's perfectly normal.
The question now is, what next? There are generally two strategies to get over a breaking up.
1) "The only way to get over someone is to get under someone else." AKA, the Rebound strategy.
2) "Take a break and rediscover who you are." AKA, the Eat Pray Love strategy.
I'm sure both of these strategies are equally effective for different people, but for my part, I spent the better part of the last week doing the Rebound strategy. Part of it is that a lot of men sort of adhere by that strategy and several of my guy friends were intent on getting me "back out there" to get my groove back.
Honestly, the results have been somewhat mixed. Last Wednesday I went to a speed dating thing, which was an utter waste of my time and money. I'd like to write a hilarious and funny story about it here, but there's not much to say other than it kinda sucked. I'm really not sure how you can connect with someone based on five minutes of small talk, but I didn't feel it from a single woman there. I think I checked no on all but maybe two of the ladies, and they must not have been feeling it too, because they did the same. I left the speed dating event feeling down because I was reminded as to how much trial and error you have to go through to meet someone you really connect with. I had a mini-heartbreak resurgence, and was tempted to give Hannah a call, but it quelled before I could do anything stupid.
The next day I went to a Cocktails for Choice fundraiser for planned parenthood thing (solo, no less) and decided to just wing it. I was going to talk to people and not care about numbers or outcomes. The ratio was absurdly favorable - 3:1 female to male, and all around the 20's to 30's age range. And I actually did get a couple numbers out of there (though none I really care to call, for other reasons) and had an overall good time. But I didn't really "feel it" with any of the ladies I talked too. I don't know whether I was blocking myself or whether it was a legitimate lack of flirtatious energy. It was a little exhilarating to go out solo and without a wing man and to just be brave. It's nice to know that, at least when it comes to that, I'm still perfectly capable of overcoming my fear of introducing myself and talking to attractive women I don't know.
Finally, I went to a singles event with my good friend and mentor Jonathan, who functions very well as my go to wing man when I'm single. Jonathan is single in his early 40's and is "unique" in that he actually likes women his own age, so we don't usually target the same demographic. He has the wisdom of a man who's been single and in relationships all of his life - like a grizzled veteran who's seen all the moves, he can tell me exactly what's going on in certain situations and can talk me down from my neuroses. We go to a lot of mixed age single events together where he talks to older ladies and I talk to younger ones, unless I happen to catch the eye of a cougar.
This event was some sort of absurd "Zodiac sign" event where people put their sign on their name tags and broke off into "compatible" groups. I actually think astrology is a load of bunk, but hey, I can play along, especially since it seems as though so many women (even smart, scientific, logical thinking ones) really believe the stuff.
In any case, the event kinda sucked. A lot of the guys there seemed to be really weird, and this scared away like 50% of the ladies before I could even talk to any of them. I was about to cash in my chips for the night until Jason and I started to talk to these two nurses who were among the last women there. And, all of a sudden, it was totally on with me and one of the nurses. I felt "it". We were flirting. Exchanging looks. Touching. Some guy came and tried to butt in, but she kept on looking my way. I could tell that she wanted to keep talking to me. She was a little older than me, but totally cute... maybe a bit cougarish, but what do I care? Maybe she could've been a nice send off before my Southeast Asia trip...
But I froze. I didn't ask for her number. I don't know why. It was right there, right in front of me, hanging slider right at the heart of the plate, and I let it fly by for a strike.
Afterwards, Jonathan asked me what I was thinking, and I didn't have any good answers. I was definitely attracted to her. But you know what, maybe it is too soon. Maybe I'm just not suited for strategy no. 1. My big trip to Southeast Asia is coming up, so maybe it's time to give strategy no. 2 a shot - Eat. Pray. Love.
So, I bought a copy of Eat Pray Love, which I'm going to read on the plane, and my only goal for the month of September is to have an adventure every day I'm out there. Whether this leads to food, friends, or love, who knows, all I know is that I want stories to tell when I come back. Maybe it can help heal the scab that remains on my soul.
Monday, August 13, 2012
There's nothing wrong with "boring".
A friend of mine just got dumped by his girlfriend, so there seems to be something in the water. We both started dating our respective ex's at around the same time, so we sort of bonded on our mutual pursuit of our respective relationships. He, like me, is a quintessential nice guy (not the feminist Nice Guy, which is the subject of another post) who taught himself to be more assertive with women, but also was willing to open himself up and be emotionally vulnerable in the hopes of building something more.
So his heart got smashed, right around the same time mine did. Our bi-weekly dating debriefing sessions turned from navigating the waters of a new relationship to navigating the rapid waters of heartbreak. My ex dumped me as an attempt to distance herself emotionally and physically from me. His ex dumped him, apparently, because the relationship "bored" her. I asked him about what led to the break-up. He told me that while he was gone on a trip home, she told him that she didn't feel like she "missed" him. While I was more accepting of getting dumped, he fought for her and asked her for an explanation and tried to get her to reconsider. When pressed, she came up with a number of platitudes: "It's not you, it's me." "I'm just not ready to settle down, I guess." "I don't know what's wrong, you're great." At the end of the day, she just wasn't feeling "it". But what is "it" exactly?
Sometimes navigating the post-breakup waters is like investigating a crime scene. You look for clues as to what happened and why, and while you often can't resurrect the relationship, you can clue yourself into the possible pathological proclivities of you and your partner.
I asked my friend what her former relationships looked like. He told me that before she met him, she would often date guys who didn't treat her that well and would eventually dump her early on in the relationship - around the 5 or so month mark. I venture a guess (though obviously I'm just guessing) that these relationships were probably fraught with guessing and second guessing: the relationship dance where one party yearns for a deeper intimacy while the other party pulls away, and the cycle repeats.
A real tragedy about these kinds of relationships is that this emotional roller coaster is often mistaken for "chemistry" or "love" or "excitement" and people equate dysfunction with love. You get addicted to the emotional highs of it, but are absolutely demolished by the emotional lows. And, even worse, this kind of thing can persist for years because, as one of my favorite blogs says, "insecure people lack an understanding of what distinguishes good and bad relationships, and they don't actually realize there is anything wrong with their or their partners' behaviors."
What does a "healthy" relationship look like, really? According to Levine and Heller, authors of the fabulous book "Attached", pretty damn boring. What is it like dating a "secure" person? "For starters, they don't engage in the 'relationship dance' that therapists often refer to - whereby one partner gets closer while the other steps back in order to maintain a certain distance in the relationship at all times. Instead there's a feeling of growing closeness and intimacy. Second, they are able to sensitively and empathically - and most important, coherently - discuss emotions with you. Last, the secure party engulfs his or her partner in an emotionally protective shield that makes facing the outside world an easier task."
I was having dinner with a colleague of mine and her husband and we talked about our relationships, their current one and my former one. And, yes, life in a secure relationship is pretty boring. We're there for each other. We do things together. There are no roller coaster highs and lows. No epic fights. Yeah, there is conflict, but when conflict arises, we reach a mutual resolution that brings us closer together.
I don't know my friend's ex and why she broke up with him. But I do know that she said when they first started dating that he was everything she thought she wanted in a man: there for her, emotionally and physically. Kind, put-together, generous, and giving. And maybe she wasn't ready for that and needs to go through a few more trials and tribulations to realize that there's nothing wrong with just being boringly happy. You can't live your life on the edge of your seat forever, and the potential of a low-drama relationship offers us so much more in the long run. Coming to realize this is a big part of maturing and being able to enter a relationship that makes us truly happy.
So his heart got smashed, right around the same time mine did. Our bi-weekly dating debriefing sessions turned from navigating the waters of a new relationship to navigating the rapid waters of heartbreak. My ex dumped me as an attempt to distance herself emotionally and physically from me. His ex dumped him, apparently, because the relationship "bored" her. I asked him about what led to the break-up. He told me that while he was gone on a trip home, she told him that she didn't feel like she "missed" him. While I was more accepting of getting dumped, he fought for her and asked her for an explanation and tried to get her to reconsider. When pressed, she came up with a number of platitudes: "It's not you, it's me." "I'm just not ready to settle down, I guess." "I don't know what's wrong, you're great." At the end of the day, she just wasn't feeling "it". But what is "it" exactly?
Sometimes navigating the post-breakup waters is like investigating a crime scene. You look for clues as to what happened and why, and while you often can't resurrect the relationship, you can clue yourself into the possible pathological proclivities of you and your partner.
I asked my friend what her former relationships looked like. He told me that before she met him, she would often date guys who didn't treat her that well and would eventually dump her early on in the relationship - around the 5 or so month mark. I venture a guess (though obviously I'm just guessing) that these relationships were probably fraught with guessing and second guessing: the relationship dance where one party yearns for a deeper intimacy while the other party pulls away, and the cycle repeats.
A real tragedy about these kinds of relationships is that this emotional roller coaster is often mistaken for "chemistry" or "love" or "excitement" and people equate dysfunction with love. You get addicted to the emotional highs of it, but are absolutely demolished by the emotional lows. And, even worse, this kind of thing can persist for years because, as one of my favorite blogs says, "insecure people lack an understanding of what distinguishes good and bad relationships, and they don't actually realize there is anything wrong with their or their partners' behaviors."
What does a "healthy" relationship look like, really? According to Levine and Heller, authors of the fabulous book "Attached", pretty damn boring. What is it like dating a "secure" person? "For starters, they don't engage in the 'relationship dance' that therapists often refer to - whereby one partner gets closer while the other steps back in order to maintain a certain distance in the relationship at all times. Instead there's a feeling of growing closeness and intimacy. Second, they are able to sensitively and empathically - and most important, coherently - discuss emotions with you. Last, the secure party engulfs his or her partner in an emotionally protective shield that makes facing the outside world an easier task."
I was having dinner with a colleague of mine and her husband and we talked about our relationships, their current one and my former one. And, yes, life in a secure relationship is pretty boring. We're there for each other. We do things together. There are no roller coaster highs and lows. No epic fights. Yeah, there is conflict, but when conflict arises, we reach a mutual resolution that brings us closer together.
I don't know my friend's ex and why she broke up with him. But I do know that she said when they first started dating that he was everything she thought she wanted in a man: there for her, emotionally and physically. Kind, put-together, generous, and giving. And maybe she wasn't ready for that and needs to go through a few more trials and tribulations to realize that there's nothing wrong with just being boringly happy. You can't live your life on the edge of your seat forever, and the potential of a low-drama relationship offers us so much more in the long run. Coming to realize this is a big part of maturing and being able to enter a relationship that makes us truly happy.
Friday, August 10, 2012
I suck at traveling and I love it
I think one of the reasons why I love traveling so much is because I'm so bad at it. When I say I'm bad at it, I mean that I hardly ever see everything there is to see, I never have a plan, and I often miss things. But to me, that's a good thing; to me, traveling is about adventure and discovery. I love the idea of going some place and having a spontaneous adventure, wandering around with only the vaguest sense of direction and location, and discovering little hideaways along the way. I like to say that only through getting lost do you really discover yourself, and that's the outlook I have whenever I travel some place new.
So my "plan" is usually to go out to a location, and just sorta go from there. A few weeks ago I was in New York for the first time in decades. I just hopped on a subway and rode, all the way to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, which happened to be closed that particular day (like I said, I'm hardly a planner). I didn't have a plan B, so I just winged it. I walked around the Upper East Side, called and texted New York friends for cool eats in the area and took pictures in Central Park.
But it's not just about sights, but about the people you meet along the way. One of my favorite things to do when I'm in Southeast Asia is to go to a local outdoor bar called Cheap Charlie's, buy myself a brew and strike up a conversation with the nearest stranger. I would go equipped with my wit, brain, and personality and with only one intention: to have one interesting conversation with somebody, anybody. Some of the people I met were strange and mean, but some of them were interesting and cool. I had a conversation with a middle-aged Swedish businessman about how toastmasters changed his career and how to project confidence during presentations. I had a conversation with a British school teacher about "The Wire" through a torrential downpour.
Of course, we all have different personal styles when it comes to experiencing the world. For me, at least, as with many things in life, it's only when we let go out of the outcome, can we have a truly genuine experience. I'm looking forward to talking about my adventures in Southeast Asia next month on this blog.
So my "plan" is usually to go out to a location, and just sorta go from there. A few weeks ago I was in New York for the first time in decades. I just hopped on a subway and rode, all the way to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, which happened to be closed that particular day (like I said, I'm hardly a planner). I didn't have a plan B, so I just winged it. I walked around the Upper East Side, called and texted New York friends for cool eats in the area and took pictures in Central Park.
But it's not just about sights, but about the people you meet along the way. One of my favorite things to do when I'm in Southeast Asia is to go to a local outdoor bar called Cheap Charlie's, buy myself a brew and strike up a conversation with the nearest stranger. I would go equipped with my wit, brain, and personality and with only one intention: to have one interesting conversation with somebody, anybody. Some of the people I met were strange and mean, but some of them were interesting and cool. I had a conversation with a middle-aged Swedish businessman about how toastmasters changed his career and how to project confidence during presentations. I had a conversation with a British school teacher about "The Wire" through a torrential downpour.
Of course, we all have different personal styles when it comes to experiencing the world. For me, at least, as with many things in life, it's only when we let go out of the outcome, can we have a truly genuine experience. I'm looking forward to talking about my adventures in Southeast Asia next month on this blog.
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